I wish my penis had an off switch
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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