she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
