Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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