i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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