so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
