Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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