he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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