i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
