Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize