is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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