Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
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She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
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For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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