I just threw up on my dentist
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
