You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
