i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
