so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
He passed out mid-signature
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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