Only a mothe r could love this liver
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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