you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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