i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
