Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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