It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
