You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Bring me that man meat
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Randomize
