Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
