I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Randomize
