Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
