I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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