Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
