Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Randomize
