the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
