She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
