If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
