I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
