i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
