He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
