I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I wish you could order shots online.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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