Are we in a gay sports bar?
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Randomize
