Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
