Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
