Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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