just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
