just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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