i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
