You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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