but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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