just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
