then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
These 21 People Are Related To Famous Celebrities
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging