I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker