she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
