I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
