I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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