I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
false alarm, still single
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
