i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
