I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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