Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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