No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
