just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
