3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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