he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
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As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
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Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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