I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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