Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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