I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
two words: eviction party
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
